For me, the easy way out would be to hide my grief inside; to avoid the "poor you" looks and the possible "I'm so sorry" confrontations. It's always been hard for me to confront emotion and talk about it. I prefer to distract myself and then cry when no one is looking. Doesn't sound like THE most healthy coping mechanism, right?
I can easily say that this is the most difficult thing that I have ever been through. Yet at the same time, I can see God's hand working so clearly. He has been preparing me for this time in my life.
I have a husband who loves to "make me" talk, even when I'm reluctant.
I have a very unplanned little boy with the sweetest disposition who can make me smile no matter what.
I have friends in my life with gentle spirits and discerning hearts.
I have a family with such strong, unwavering faith.
I have a trust in God that is stronger than ever before.
I fully believe that this time in my life has a purpose. Finley has a purpose.
I know that people are waiting for good news from me. They are waiting for a good update. Consider this: God is GOOD! He is at work and I am getting though this one day at a time. I am surviving. I am not hiding away. I am confronting the pain. I have hope.
This past weekend I took a trip out to Atlanta with Eli to meet up with two of my close friends and their one year olds. I am so thankful that God put such amazing women in my life to share in my journey. The weekend was filled with fun, laughter, tears, LOTS of talking and very LITTLE sleep! It was exactly what I needed.
I don't think they fully know how much I appreciated the "normalness" of the weekend. They didn't give me the "poor you" look and they didn't tip toe around me.
If it were up to me we wouldn't have talked about Finley at all and they knew that; but they also knew that I NEEDED to talk. They didn't force anything. Each time we ended up talking about her it was without me even realizing it til it was too late.
To my friends, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and love.
To my family, your presence and your prayers and your understanding of ME are helping more than you know.
To everyone else who may come across this, this is a GOOD update.
As cliché as this might sound, the metaphor rings true to this moment.
There is a storm coming, but for now I am just trying to dance in the rain.
Please continue to pray.
Here are some pictures from the weekend:
So happy to hear you had an awesome time, Kel! We are still praying every day!
ReplyDeleteI love you, Kelli! And I will always keep you and your family in my prayers. I completely agree about the google search...who would have thought!? I know that my life is so blessed for knowing you. I'm so glad that the weekend was perfect, I know that it was for me as well, I had an amazing time! I can't wait to see you again!
ReplyDeleteSweet Kelli,
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to know what you are thinking and feeling. I want you to know what I'm thinking too. I think it is a Father's instinct to want to fix things. From the day we receive our first set of tools. A hammer and duct tape and I will get it working. The boxes of gifts with "some assembly required" that would frustrate me beyond grief, but I saw the reward. A smile from my little girl. The words that motivate every man, "Dad, can you fix this?" I sure can! or I will buy you a new one!
So, what do you do Dad, when your little girl is hurting and you've only seen others and hear accounts? I go to the only tool bag that I know. The good men in my life taught me to pray. They pointed me to scriptures that God is the Father of light, the one who gives every good and perfect gift. His Words brought everything I see and don't see. They told me I can say "Dad, can you fix this?" and He fixes. He mends the broken hearted, He takes away my sickness, He restores my soul. He's never let me down! He has made every way prosper and even when my faith wavered and I believed He had forsaken me, I look back and say, "I'm sure glad you were there, cause I really would have messed that up." He said, He would never leave me, nor forsake me.
I went to the tool bag! I called on God and said, "Dad, please fix this!" I asked every friend I could to pray and fast this past Wednesday. Everyone joined forces in Finley's battle. I don't know what is going to be the outcome, but I know the outcome is presented by a Father that gives His children (Tim, Kelli and Finley) good beyond what an earthly Father could even imagine. I know God went to His bag of tools, the Host of Heaven and He knows how to deliver exactly what we need.
The one who has delivered me from the bear and the lion will surely deliver me from this Philistine!
Your Father cares!