You'd think that having a big heart is a good thing, but of course that is figuratively speaking.
A heart that is too big means more love. More joy. More goodness.
It also means more burdens to bear. More weight to carry. More sorrow.
This of course is not what the doctor was referring to when we met with him this morning.
We were told that Finley's heart is much too big. It takes up over half of her tiny chest; it is supposed to be about 1/3 of that area. She is in heart failure.
Finley's heart is working extra hard to pump and she is slowly letting go. Her heart rate, which should be between 130 to 160, is only 101.
We were told that it could be a matter of days, weeks, or months. She might even make it to term. Even still, I should prepare for her "demise".
I was given the option to have an amniocentesis. This would allow for the doctors to know exactly what caused this and the chances of it happening in subsequent pregnancies. We could wait til the autopsy, but then we won't have "living cells" and the diagnosis would not be as accurate.
How am I supposed to decide what I want to do when you just told me that I should expect "fetal demise"?
I have so many questions, but they aren't questions that the doctor wants or expects to be asked. So who am I supposed to ask? Who knows how to get through something like this?
Will the nurses know that I am coming to labor and delivery to give birth to my dead child?
How am I supposed to get through the labor and recovery knowing that I won't be bringing her home?
Who will watch Eli and am I supposed to tell him one day about the sister he never had? Will he understand?
Where do you bury a baby?
If I think too much about it I get lost, so I try not to.
We will have to take it one day at a time. We will have to "wait and see".
We WILL keep praying.
Maybe I should be praying for peace now. I don't know.
I just know she is still alive right now. I hope she isn't suffering - is that possible in the womb?
Please continue to pray for us. The support and love that we have received is evidence of His hand working through this.