Hold My Heart

I went to the hospital today. I hadn't felt Fin move in a couple of days, so I was starting to get worried. On the way to the hospital I was pleading with God to make things better, for some kind of miracle. I heard this song on the way and the lyrics could not ring any truer for me at this time in my life:


I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.



Finley's heart rate was only 68 today. She is slowly letting go. The OB thinks that she has about a week or so left.

She is showing signs that she isn't developing properly anymore. I am just over 24 weeks pregnant... her head is measuring 22 weeks, her legs less than that. Her chest is measuring 26 weeks from all of the excess fluid. The doctors think it was just a fluke (nothing genetic) in development. There was nothing I did wrong. I have to keep telling myself that though....

I know that things could be worse. People have gone through worse. At least we know and we can somewhat prepare for her passing, but no one should ever have to lose a child. For us, she isn't a child here with us on earth. She hasn't been born yet, but she is still a precious soul. She was given to us and we will always be her parents.

I think what hurts the most is that we are losing a future with her. I will never know what her laugh sounds like or if she is as stubborn as me. I will never get to see her and Eli play together or take her shopping, just us girls. It hurts that there will always be a piece missing from our family. Always.

I know people read my thoughts and feelings here, they tell me I am strong - but it is far from the truth. HE is strong and HE is carrying me. Just because He didn't give me what I wanted doesn't mean there isn't a plan and that He is not a loving God. He is holding my heart and I know he hears me.


"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139:13-16