Thursday, September 8, 2011

Hold My Heart

I went to the hospital today. I hadn't felt Fin move in a couple of days, so I was starting to get worried. On the way to the hospital I was pleading with God to make things better, for some kind of miracle. I heard this song on the way and the lyrics could not ring any truer for me at this time in my life:

I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Finley's heart rate was only 68 today. She is slowly letting go. The OB thinks that she has about a week or so left.

She is showing signs that she isn't developing properly anymore. I am just over 24 weeks pregnant... her head is measuring 22 weeks, her legs less than that. Her chest is measuring 26 weeks from all of the excess fluid. The doctors think it was just a fluke (nothing genetic) in development. There was nothing I did wrong. I have to keep telling myself that though....

I know that things could be worse. People have gone through worse. At least we know and we can somewhat prepare for her passing, but no one should ever have to lose a child. For us, she isn't a child here with us on earth. She hasn't been born yet, but she is still a precious soul. She was given to us and we will always be her parents.

I think what hurts the most is that we are losing a future with her. I will never know what her laugh sounds like or if she is as stubborn as me. I will never get to see her and Eli play together or take her shopping, just us girls. It hurts that there will always be a piece missing from our family. Always.

I know people read my thoughts and feelings here, they tell me I am strong - but it is far from the truth. HE is strong and HE is carrying me. Just because He didn't give me what I wanted doesn't mean there isn't a plan and that He is not a loving God. He is holding my heart and I know he hears me.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:13-16


  1. Kelli,

    I have to admit that when I heard Christy say Finley was a girl 99%, my heart jumped! I thought about my sweet grand daughter and what she would look like and sound like and the funny things she would say and the great pride she would give me. I still have great hope if she is with me soon or if she is with Jesus, I know she is going to bring me great pride. Even now she makes me smile through tears. I love you and I want you to read this article a few times.


  2. He is with you. That's true, and the timing...I can't explain it, but I KNOW God is giving you comforts and signs. He IS there and He is showing himself. I'm sobbing at work for you. Finley has touched the lives of so many people, Kelli. I have NEVER seen such an outpouring of love as I have seen for sweet Finley. Your daughter already has the most beautiful soul. She is truly amazing. You are truly amazing. Your family, also amazing. She has blessed this Earth in her short time more than many do in 100 years. I know that's such little solace; I know you are aching for what you will miss. For that, my heart aches for you. I love you!

  3. Dearest Kelli,

    Thank you for honest pain, your God-honoring faith. May light shine out of darkness.

    In loving prayer,
    the Moores

  4. I love you Kelli - i know you don't really know me - but know that i and my family are sending our love to you and your family. There are no words are i can say to give you comfort or peace. But even when you can't feel it know that G*d is with you, that Finley is with you, that there is love and support surrounding you - even where you don't seek it - there it is hiding. You are a light, and such a beautiful light. I am so proud and honored to know you. I am so sorry for your hurt and pain, i know you aren't seeking sorrow, but know that there are so many hearts reaching out to you, to support you. love you.

  5. I think as mothers we will always have that little piece of guilt. Mothers are supposed to nurture and protect their children. So you feel like a failure when you can't, even through no fault of your own. I have to remind myself that Cora's stillbirth wasn't my fault sometimes still.

    It always bothered me when people told me how strong I was. They didn't see the real me, the one a hair's breadth from falling apart, held together by constant prayers. They saw my public show. I hope you can feel the prayers being said in your and Finley's behalf...on behalf of all your family.

    Anyway, I miss all those memories I'm never going to get to have too. But I truly believe that we will see our babies again, and that we WILL get to make those memories. We just have to be patient. Not that it makes it any better right now.


  6. I'm Melis's friend Lindsay...and I just wanted you to know that I will pray for you and your family.

  7. I just heard 10th Avenue North sing that song LIVE this past weekend. Makes me choke up to read the lyrics in light of your situation and to have the memory of the band play in my head. I'm from the Jan DDC, know that I too, am praying for peace for you guys. Your hopes and dreams for Fin are valid, and I can't imagine the emotions that are still yet to come. I just read a blip about how we can only see God's plan thru a cloudy glass, but someday the glass will be clear and we will see the entire picture. Oh the whys that come with life. Why one gets to be pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy, why one doesn't. So sorry that this is now your journey. ((hugs))

  8. Hi Kelli,

    I keep writing and erasing because I don't know what to say. I think I'll just do what Job's friends should have done...keep my words to myself and offer you a (virtual) shoulder to cry on.

    You are loved,

    David Crowder Band - All I can Say

  9. Kelli,
    You and your family are in my heart and my prayers.

    with love and light,
    (lulumama from jm)