Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Hardest Thing

I won't be able to write much or very eloquently, but I did want to give an update for those following our story.

Finley Fayth White was born on Sunday, October 30th at 3:09 AM at almost 33 weeks gestation. She weighed 4 lbs 12 oz and was 16 inches long. She had Daniel's nose, my lips, and Eli's sweet toes. She had the longest fingers and the daintiest hands. She was perfect in every way.

We found out on Friday morning (at our appointment with the specialist) that Finley's heart was no longer beating. This was very unexpected and everything from that point on was a blur. We were scheduled for an induction on Saturday morning.

It is hard for me to write exactly what happened, so here is my dear friend Jenny's update she posted on facebook while I was in labor:
"Updating on Kelli... It's been a long a emotional day. She got here at 7 am and was started on pitocin at 8am. When she arrived she was dilated to about one. She ended up with very strong contractions that lasted about a minute to a minute and a half and they were about 30 seconds apart. She rocked and rolled on the ball and did such a wonderful job, so amazing and strong through it all. By 5pm she had not progressed at all and decided that an epidural would be her best option. She got her epi at about 5:30-6:00 and then got a well deserved nap. At 9:30 her doctor checked her and she was a 7, Praise God!! We have prayed so hard for this! We are now waiting for her doctor to get here and she will be checked again and then only time will tell. Kelli has done an AMAZING job! As we all know she has such a beautiful soul and spirit. Daniel has been amazing through all of this as well. What a beautiful example of what a husband and father should be. We are so very proud of them. I will update when we have more news."

At 1:30 am I reached 10 cm and we began the process of pushing. I was scared and I didn't want her to be taken from me. I wanted to keep her with me forever.
I don't remember much of the actual birth, but I was told that it was very traumatic physically.
I do remember: Daniel was by my side, holding my hand, stroking my hair, and counting the whole time. My mom was on the other side telling me that I could do it. My dad was next to my mom, I'm sure in constant prayer. My dear friends Jenny and Kerri were at my feet encouraging me the whole time. I am very blessed by the people God has placed in my life.

As soon as she was born Daniel cut her cord and she was placed on my chest. I remember screaming in agony. My little girl was in my arms, but it was only her body. I was holding out for a cry, I still had hope. I remember thinking that there was never anyone so beautiful and didn't want to accept that I wouldn't be able to keep her. It was one of the hardest moments of my life. I didn't want to believe that it was actually happening.

We spent all day Sunday with her. We dressed her in the clothes that we picked out and wrapped her in her blanket, we took turns studying her and memorizing her perfect features. We hardly slept, knowing we didn't have much time with her.

One of the best moments was introducing Eli to his sweet sister. He smiled at her and pointed at her and even said "Baby Sister". He looked at her as if she were "normal" and didn't see a thing wrong with her. We let him touch her hands and toes; he smiled.

On Sunday night we said our goodbyes. We kissed her forehead and let the nurse take her from us. We cried together in the hospital bed knowing that we'd have to wait our lifetimes to see her again. I still can't believe I had to let someone take my daughter away.

On Monday afternoon, Daniel decided it was time to leave. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone that I wanted to be discharged. I didn't want to be. I didn't want to leave her. I didn't want life to go on or move forward without her... but I couldn't stay forever. My husband has been my rock throughout all of this; taking the initiative when I have been too weak. I don't think I have ever loved him more than I do now.

Leaving the hospital was THE hardest part. Driving away and knowing that I'd never get her back. Knowing that I'd never hold her again. Knowing that I'd never kiss her again. Knowing that life was moving on and that she wasn't with me.

Finley will always be my daughter. She will always be a part of my family. She will always be loved. The one thing I ask is that people don't refer to her as just a baby or just a pregnancy or just anything... She has a name. She is a person. She IS my daughter. She is very much a part of me and my life. She always will be. She will never be forgotten.

People ask how I am, the only thing I can respond with is that I am alive. I am breathing. I am living minute to minute. I am getting by. It's so hard. So hard.
The only thing that makes it better are Daniel and Eli. I am so thankful and blessed by their sweet spirits; there are no words to describe what they mean to me.

I know God is watching over my family at this time, but it is so hard for me to see past the pain at this point. I don't know what to pray or what to ask or what to say to Him. I know there is a plan, but I feel lost in it. I know He is at work... but right now, I just want my daughter.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." [Jeremiah 1:5]

Please pray.


  1. Even in your deepest grief, Kelli, you write so eloquently and say things so profound. I have no words for you, becuase there are no words. But I am praying for you with every fiber of my being.

  2. ♥ i don't have the words - thank you so much for sharing sweet Finley with us and your journey. Sending you love and praying for peace and comfort and healing. You are an amazing woman and mom with 2 amazing children, Finley will NEVER be fogotten. ♥

  3. Kelli, you are an amazing woman. Thank you so much for sharing Finley with us as you were on this journey with her. Everytime you post or write about her we all come to love her and you even more. I hope you know you do not have to be strong right now and that we will all be strong for you. Just please know that God is holding Finley and will never let her go. Love to you all.

  4. Praying constantly for you, Kelli.

    Rest assured that Finley will never be forgotten. We all carry a little bit of her with us and our lives will forever be changed because of her impact. She was chosen by God to do mighty things in a very short time and I, for one, will always remember that.

    She is much loved.

  5. I don't know you personally Kelli, but I have been exactly where you are. I gave birth to a stillborn daughter (her name is Summer Kayce)Dec. 2000 at 26wks gestation. That was the worst day ever for me. I can tell you that over time you all will heal and that God does have a plan. He never gives you more than you can handle or that he will not help you through. I searched the web for answers, to try to understand why. The only thing that seen me through was my faith in God, talking about her,and I also found a support group on line for people who gave birth to stillborns.
    I am so sorry for what you are going through.
    I wished there were words I could say to ease your pain, but from past experience, there are no words, but only time!

    Since then, (16mo to be exact) I gave birth to twin boys, 4yrs later married my best friend (we've been married now for 5yrs) and this past Jan I delivered a beautiful baby girl at 30wks, Sara Grace is now 9mo.

    I will pray you daily. I will pray that God's healing hands are placed over you. I will pray that one day when God see's you are ready that you will enjoy a healthy pregnancy with a happy ending. Finley will never be forgotten and will always hold a special place in your heart!
    God Bless,

  6. I believe in the sun even when it isn't shining.
    I believe in love even when I am alone.
    I believe in God even when He is silent.
    Thinking of you and saying a little prayer each day that the sun will come out for you soon.

    'This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it' --- Psalm 118:24

  7. I dont know you, but I know how you feel. I buried my son Mason on June 23rd 2009.He had a birth defect and passed away and 22 weeks. I held him for only twenty mins and now have to wait the rest of my life to hold him again. be thankful everyday for the moments you had with her. You have a beautiful son to keep you going. I wish I could say it gets easier as time goes by, but it doesnt. I sobbed when I read your story. I wish you the best, you and your family. and now you have an angel looking down apon you.

  8. I'm in tears. Leaving the hospital was the hardest part for me too. Going through all that and having nothing to show the world for it but a set of hand prints in clay and a couple pictures. I'm so very sorry that you have to go through this. Her hand was so perfect, and I'm sure the rest of her was beautiful too. I love Finley's name. Many many many tearful hugs to you. I promise that you will go from just surviving to one day figuring out how to live again, but that Finley will never leave you. My Cora hasn't and today marks 5 1/2 years exactly. Know that you're being prayed for as you learn how to go on without Finley.

  9. As always, continued prayers for you and your family, sweet Kelli. We will not forget your beautiful Finley. She is waiting for you in heaven. May God carry you through until you can see her beautiful face again. <3

  10. Kelli - I do not know you personally but I am friends with your aunt. Even though you are feeling incredibly weak right now, you are TRULY the strongest person!!!! God Bless you, Daniel, Eli and Finley.

  11. Kelli, we are praying for you and your family. You have such an incredible support system. You have such a wonderful mom and dad who love you so much. I know you and Daniel are devastated. Finley will always be a part of your lives and I pray that you will receive God's perfect peace in days to come.

    Abbie Huber

  12. Kelli,

    We've never met personally, but we are sisters in God. Your husband works with my sister-in-law, and she has been keeping me updated on you and Finley. I too, am the mother of a stillborn daughter. Anna Catherine, my second child, was stillborn 3 years ago on March 31st, 2008.

    Reading your beautifully written blogs as you've traveled this journey, was such a blessing to me. I have prayed for you, cried with you, and openly wept for you. I prayed so hard that I wouldn't have to see another mother go through what I've been through. Monday morning, Oct. 31st, I got the email that broke my heart. My sister-in-law emailed to tell me Finley was an angel.

    Reading this blog was very difficult as I couldn't see it through my tears. Your words were like reading my own.

    It's been three years for me, but the wounds are still very fresh. Please know you have someone you can talk to when you are ready. I would love to sit down and meet you and talk to you sometime. I rejoice today knowing that my Anna Catherine, has a new friend to play with in Heaven...Sweet Miss Finley! The angels are dancing!

    You and your family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers!

    In Him,
    Crystal Nichols