During my time at the hospital I took some time to write down what I was thinking and feeling. I think most of this was written late at night/early morning and I was on strong medications, but I wanted to post it here so that I wouldn't forget my thoughts.
I can not tell you how much all of the words of love, support, encouragement, confusion, anger, grief, empathy, hope, faith, etc. have helped to get me through some of the most difficult days of my life. My soul has been touched in such a profound way, I will be forever grateful.
Although these past few days have been tragic and heartbreaking, Daniel and I KNOW that Finley was given to us for a reason. She has had a lifetime of purpose and meaning in this world, even though her time with us was short.
I must share one of the most profound reasons that I believe she was given to me. I have come to realize, just this afternoon, that Finley was sent here to save me:
Through Finley's birth and delivery I was able to learn a lot about my anatomy. She was born at just 32 and 1/2 weeks gestation, with 2 more months of growing and developing left to do. She was small and easily manipulated, yet she still had a VERY traumatic delivery.
Towards the end when I was pushing her shoulder became stuck; even after the doctor cut me to make more room for her to come out she remained stuck for quite a while.
When I saw my OB this afternoon we discussed the gravity of this situation and the need for me to consider c-sections for subsequent pregnancies. Had this been a vaginal delivery with a full-term, live, healthy baby the outcome would most likely have been fatal for both of us.
The most chilling part of this realization for me is the fact that ever since I was a little girl and have dreamed about having babies I've had a haunting premonition that I would die in childbirth. I think I have only told Daniel and one or two others. Although it is completely unfounded, this was never just an offhand fear or phobia to me, it has always been something that I have accepted as my reality. When I became pregnant with both Eli and Fin, it was my first thought and it terrified me. Even on the drive to the hospital, with both Eli and Fin, I very consciously took in all of the sights around me because I believed I was experiencing my last moments in this world. I remember after Eli's birth, I didn't even want to see or hold him. I thought I was dying. I kept asking the doctors what my vital signs were, just waiting for them to gradually decline.
Finley's birth was a gift. It allowed me to have a vaginal delivery and to experience pushing my child into the world, something that Daniel and I so desperately wanted. However it also came with a warning, that this is not a safe option for future pregnancies. There is no doubt in my mind that Finley was my miracle. I believe she has saved me from a very real and grim fate. She came so that I could be a mother to Eli and a mother to our future children. For her, I will strive to be the best mother to my earthly children that I can be.
There are good moments and there are bad moments, there will be for weeks and months to come. A piece of comfort in my world is that I have so many loved ones lifting me up.
Although I will leave the hospital tomorrow with empty arms, my heart will be so full and overflowing.
I know all of our lives must go on, so the only thing I can ask of anyone now is to please not forget my baby girl.
Finley Fayth ♥ 10/30/11