Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Test of Faith

I always knew Finley would be special. I don't know how or why I knew, I just knew.

We've had her name picked out since before Eli was even born. It has always had the perfect ring to it. I've pictured her over the years as being a little firecracker - spunky, stubborn, and strong-willed.

Today at my OB appointment, I was told that Finley probably won't make it. Her heartbeat has become abnormal, a significant change from weeks passed. Taking this into account with the fact that she has fluid around her heart and that it is too big for her little chest, I was told that I should prepare myself for a stillbirth.

How do you prepare for that?
How do you ease your heart when the passing of your child is (statistically) imminent?

I wonder if maybe I should have been better about taking my prenatals or drinking less caffeine... though the rational side of me knows that it wouldn't have changed anything.
I was told that this is not my fault, there is nothing that I have done to cause this and that we will have clearer answers with an amniocentesis and/or an autopsy.

I feel guilty for not getting excited when I saw that the pregnancy test was positive, for not knowing if I was ready for another child, for not bonding with her right away.

I'm sorry I'm rambling.

Tomorrow I go to the specialist again (yes, the same one). We tried to set up an appointment with a different MFM, but for a couple of reasons it didn't work out.
I will have another sonogram, but I honestly don't know what else they will do...
They want to know what is going on so that we have a better idea of what "we are dealing with".

All I have been told so far is that she probably won't make it. She will probably never get to see how amazing her big brother is and Eli will probably never get to snuggle with her like he does with me and Daniel. I won't stay up late watching her breath after we get home from the hospital. I won't see that first smile....

Despite constantly thinking about these moments I will never have with her, I know that if there is any chance for her it is through prayer. We are NOT giving up on her. Even if in this world we would be considered fools for thinking that she has a chance of making it... we have a reason for our hope.

I know that God has a plan for us and for her. Maybe He just thought she was too special to stay here with us. Maybe this is a test of my faith. I don't know. But I DO know that I have faith that His hand is working in all of this, no matter the outcome.

Please keep praying for us and sweet Finley.

(And please excuse my rambling... this is the only way I know how to work through my feelings.)

In the meantime, I will rub my belly and cherish those little kicks that she aims perfectly at my bladder....


  1. My heart breaks for you having to hear that news. I love you and I love BOTH your sweet babies. I know there are no words that will make this better. All I can say is Finley is the luckiest girl to have you as a momma.

  2. Praying for Finley!
    Gene and Cindy Maynard

  3. Oh Kelli, you are truly an amazing spirit. You're ability to see God's plan in all this brings me to tears. You are absolutely right. There is a plan for Finley and God hand picked that little girl. Lean on us honey; we are here for you. Ramble away!


  4. Praying for you, Daniel, Eli, and Finley!!!

  5. Kelli I am reading this through tears
    I read your pain, you hurt and your amazing strength. I am at a loss of words, I wish there was something I could say or do... all I can do is sending you all my love and thoughts. YOu know you and Finley, Daniel and Eli are in my thoughts and I carry you in my heart. Oh Kelli, I wish i could give you a hug
    I can't seem to sign in so this is CALLIE

  6. Kelli~ My heart feels broken for you. But I am simply amazed at your faith! I can't say that I would be able to handle it the same way! I really admire you..as an amazing mother, a wife, and friend. <3 I will continue to pray for all of you!!! Love you!!!

  7. Kelli,

    Praying for a miracle. So many prayers. Your faith is inspiring and amazing. You're a wonderful momma both to Eli and Finley. My heart breaks for you, it breaks that you have to think about the things you might miss (and yes, might, I'm not giving up on this little girl yet!).

    And I know it's so easy to let your mind take the guilt, but please know that there is NOTHING that you did wrong. Nothing.

    Lots of love for you and Finley and Eli and even for Daniel

  8. Oh Kelli, my heart just broke reading this. I am so sorry that you are facing such a heartache.

    But as I read your post I remembered something that we both know very well....we serve an awesome and all-powerful God and His hand is firmly upon you and Daniel as you walk this path. Little Finley is one-hundred percent in His grip right now and His name will be glorified by her life.

    Much love,
    Dianne (Canadianne)

  9. there are no words - tears are pouring down my face and in my heart for you. I am praying for you D, Eli and Fin. I am praying for peace and strength, for joy to comfort the sorrows and pain for love to surround you and fill your spirit and heart. I am so sorry for all you are going through, through the pain you are feeling. Just know that through it all you are loved by so many some you know in person and many you don't. Sending you so much love and thoughts and prayers.

  10. Kelli,
    I am just so so sorry you are going through this. I am still praying, hoping they are wrong. Hoping all the love we all have for you and Finley changes things for the better. Nobody should ever have to go through this. Sending prayers and hope to you! Kelly (JM)

  11. Hi. I went through something similar but not even related...hard to explain, but if you ever want to chat, my email is CindyPartridge@gmail.com A few of your readers have asked me to come and talk to you.

    I could be your free online doula with support!

  12. God can do anything! My cousin was born with a hole in her heart and many other organ issues. The doctors told my aunt she would never make it and recommended an abortion. Alex is now a thriving 17 year old. God healed her heart completely once she was born and to this day she has never had any heart problems. We will be praying for you during this time. Hold fast to God. He will protect you and your family!

  13. We love you and are talking to the God who loves you and sweet Finley more.
    the Moores

  14. Kelli,

    My heart is broken, as I sit here and cry for you. Your sweet baby girl is so lucky to have you as a Mama. I know you have treasured all the time you've had with her. Don't ever second guess yourself. You are amazing. Be strong in your faith, and hold onto those close to you as you face the future. Wish I could reach out and give you a hug, but please just know i'm thinking of you.

  15. I'm so sorry, Kelli. :( I have hope, too, and I'm hoping Finley can prove all those doctors wrong.

  16. You don't know me, Kelli, but I know your husband's family through my sister-n-law Jennifer (Nance) Mayes. Just wanted you to know I will be following your blog and praying for you, Daniel, and Baby Finley. God does have a special purpose for Finley! Blessings to you.

  17. I know you don't know, nor I you, but what I do know is that those are the beautiful "ramblings" of a beautiful mother - one is torn between living In this world and living For the next... As a husband and a dad, my heart breaks for you, and as a Christian I know your internal struggle that you so eloquently speak of. Know that you are loved, that Finley is loved, that this is NOT a test of faith, and the the God of love, of mercy, He who knows our innermost workings and desires, Father Is and Will wrap His arms around Finley (and you, your husband, and Eli) and love her with an unimaginable love regardless of what comes. I know that is of little help at this time of fear and questioning, but know that we (the unknown to you) haven't given up either and that we are praying for all of you!

  18. Kelli, you've never met me, but I have known Daniel pretty much since birth. Our parents were best friends in college and still are to this day. When we were kids, out families got together once a year for a few days, so we all grew up together. Daniel shared this on Facebook, and as soon as I started reading it, I wanted to cry. We will keep your whole family, and especially Finley (love the name) in our prayers. I know that times like these make it easy to question your faith, but we know that God can heal what no doctor can. Praying for you as you go through this time of uncertainty.