A Test of Faith

I always knew Finley would be special. I don't know how or why I knew, I just knew.

We've had her name picked out since before Eli was even born. It has always had the perfect ring to it. I've pictured her over the years as being a little firecracker - spunky, stubborn, and strong-willed.

Today at my OB appointment, I was told that Finley probably won't make it. Her heartbeat has become abnormal, a significant change from weeks passed. Taking this into account with the fact that she has fluid around her heart and that it is too big for her little chest, I was told that I should prepare myself for a stillbirth.

How do you prepare for that?
How do you ease your heart when the passing of your child is (statistically) imminent?

I wonder if maybe I should have been better about taking my prenatals or drinking less caffeine... though the rational side of me knows that it wouldn't have changed anything.
I was told that this is not my fault, there is nothing that I have done to cause this and that we will have clearer answers with an amniocentesis and/or an autopsy.

I feel guilty for not getting excited when I saw that the pregnancy test was positive, for not knowing if I was ready for another child, for not bonding with her right away.

I'm sorry I'm rambling.

Tomorrow I go to the specialist again (yes, the same one). We tried to set up an appointment with a different MFM, but for a couple of reasons it didn't work out.
I will have another sonogram, but I honestly don't know what else they will do...
They want to know what is going on so that we have a better idea of what "we are dealing with".

All I have been told so far is that she probably won't make it. She will probably never get to see how amazing her big brother is and Eli will probably never get to snuggle with her like he does with me and Daniel. I won't stay up late watching her breath after we get home from the hospital. I won't see that first smile....

Despite constantly thinking about these moments I will never have with her, I know that if there is any chance for her it is through prayer. We are NOT giving up on her. Even if in this world we would be considered fools for thinking that she has a chance of making it... we have a reason for our hope.

I know that God has a plan for us and for her. Maybe He just thought she was too special to stay here with us. Maybe this is a test of my faith. I don't know. But I DO know that I have faith that His hand is working in all of this, no matter the outcome.

Please keep praying for us and sweet Finley.

(And please excuse my rambling... this is the only way I know how to work through my feelings.)

In the meantime, I will rub my belly and cherish those little kicks that she aims perfectly at my bladder....