I'm up at 3:53 AM. I've been up for a while now, just laying in bed. And now I type this; the glow of my phone hurting my eyes in this dark room. Eli is sleeping with me tonight and I am glad to have his warm, comforting little body snuggled up to mine.
I see her in him. So much. Especially when he sleeps and all of his features are relaxed. His pretty, full lips and his chubby cheeks. I love him so much that it's impossible to express with words, but I also have an impossibly great emptiness. Especially tonight. How can your heart be so full, yet so empty at the same time?
Today is Finley's due date. It's hard to describe exactly what I'm thinking. It's almost as if today marks a ledge I am about to walk off of. I'm about to move forward... without her.
I was supposed to have a perfect, chubby, pink, beautiful baby girl this month. I am supposed to be blissfully tired after having been up all night with her. Instead, I have pictures of her and a baby boy who's features resemble her. And I have tired eyes after long nights of fitful sleep. Her due date is about to come and go, but I still won't have her.
Why? Why did it have to be this way?
Why couldn't she have just cried? I just wanted to hear her cry and keep believing I'd take her home.
Today is just another day that throws it all in my face and makes it blaringly obvious that she isn't here. I couldn't keep her. And today, it's not okay. Today it's a tragedy.