Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Due Date

I'm up at 3:53 AM. I've been up for a while now, just laying in bed. And now I type this; the glow of my phone hurting my eyes in this dark room. Eli is sleeping with me tonight and I am glad to have his warm, comforting little body snuggled up to mine.

I see her in him. So much. Especially when he sleeps and all of his features are relaxed. His pretty, full lips and his chubby cheeks. I love him so much that it's impossible to express with words, but I also have an impossibly great emptiness. Especially tonight. How can your heart be so full, yet so empty at the same time?

Today is Finley's due date. It's hard to describe exactly what I'm thinking. It's almost as if today marks a ledge I am about to walk off of. I'm about to move forward... without her.

I was supposed to have a perfect, chubby, pink, beautiful baby girl this month. I am supposed to be blissfully tired after having been up all night with her. Instead, I have pictures of her and a baby boy who's features resemble her. And I have tired eyes after long nights of fitful sleep. Her due date is about to come and go, but I still won't have her.

Why? Why did it have to be this way?
Why couldn't she have just cried? I just wanted to hear her cry and keep believing I'd take her home.
Today is just another day that throws it all in my face and makes it blaringly obvious that she isn't here. I couldn't keep her. And today, it's not okay. Today it's a tragedy.


  1. Kelli - I am so sorry. You are right though. It ISN'T okay. It IS a tragedy that we will never understand. For some reason we aren't supposed to understand.
    Just know I love you and there and are touched by Finely everyday. Every. Day.

  2. I am so sorry. I love you, and have been so blessed to know you and Finely. And I agree, it isn't ok. it is so painful and tragic. You are so loved, so loved.

  3. I know that no words expressed could ever come close to the pain in your heart. Our first child was a miscarriage (nothing compared to your still birth). Now, we are 18 weeks along with our second one. Not a day goes by that I am not afraid of losing my baby. I can't imagine your pain. I know what the fear is like, not knowing what God's plans are in life. I know that we must trust His judgement for us, but that does not make the pain any easier. You are a hero to me. Someone who has experienced a birth and a death and still goes on. I want to be as brave as you are and hope that my faith stays as strong as yours. Please know that I think about you and your family everyday and will not forget. Your words inspire me and I thank God that I met Daniel and his sister (Leah) at Hammer's and now know you through them. I am still praying for you and your family. God bless you. Tasha Spann

  4. Everyday you live without your baby is tragic. That never goes away. God sent you Finley for a purpose. A purpose you may never know nor understand. You just have to believe. My heart aches just thinking about your loss because I know the feeling and I know how impossibly, unexplainably painful it is to go through the motions without your baby. I see so much of Evan in Aaliyah. And it brings me peace as well as pain because when she smiles, it makes me long to see him smile too. All the precious moments I spend with her make me miss the boys that much more because it reminds me that I'll never have those moments with them. But their spirit lives on in Aaliyah. Finley lives on in Eli. I think about you all the time and I continue to pray for peace in your heart as you pass these "milestones". They are so hard. Love you hunnie <3

  5. Thank you everyone for your support, it means so much!

  6. Kelli I am so sorry. I think of you and Finley often. I love the pictures of her, she is so beautiful! You are in my prayers!
    Miranda from the January ddc