Bringing Brother Home

Jude is six days old today! Six days! Six days of newborn snuggles, hiccups, milk comas, and sleep deprivation. Let me tell you, I am one happy mama! Tired, but oh so happy!

Jude has a very sweet and easy-going temperament. He is peaceful and patient. Especially when big brother wants to "play". I can not tell you how many people told me to prepare for a screamer; that there was no way possible to have another "easy" baby. The warnings, highly unsolicited warnings, came from left and right. From strangers and from family. It was bizarre to me, but I guess all with good intent. As a result, I was definitely not prepared this quiet and inquisitive little guy! I am counting my blessings, daily!

Over the past few days several people have told me now that Jude seems like an "old soul" and I would have to agree. It's like he knows something that none of us do... maybe his sister is filling him in, talking in his ear, hanging out above his bassinet. He is the most alert little newborn that I have ever seen and when he looks at you his eyes are piercing. If I could, I'd hold him and stare at him all day long.

Big brother Eli is taking everything in stride. He was elated to find out that Jude was coming home with us. It's almost as if Jude was never NOT a part of our little family.

Eli takes his role as big brother very seriously. He checks on Jude whenever he makes a peep. He gives him a pacifier when he starts to cry. He shares his animals and his dinosaurs without being asked. He says, "It's okay Jude!" at the smallest whimper (although it sounds more like "Dude"). He affectionately began to refer to him as "Judey" without prompting. When we took Jude to the pediatrician and he started to cry, Eli was adamant about telling the doctor to "STOP!! Stop it now!!" Kisses are never ending, "huggys" are often requested, and "I'll hold it" comes almost daily!

 
It's amazing how our BABY has become this big boy almost over night. His world has been turned around, but through Eli's eyes in the best way possible. I think giving him a brother was the best gift he could ever ask for. I hope and pray that they always remain close; best friends.

I can't believe that I can now say I am a mom to TWO boys! Two beautiful, smart, lovely little boys!

What did I do to deserve this?!

______________________________________________

Now for some stats, so I have a record of them:


Weight-
Birth: 7 lbs 7 oz
2 days: 6 lbs 15 oz
4 days: 6 lbs 8 oz
5 days: 6 lbs 14 oz

Length-
21 inches

We had the same issues of Jaundice that we had with Eli. His bilirubin levels (or as daddy called them: "billy ribbon levels") got up to 16, but we got the call today that they are on the downward trend!

Overall, a perfect baby boy!

Welcome to the World, Jude!

Jude Lawrence White
7 lbs 7.2 oz
21 inches

November 9th, 2012

About three weeks before Jude was born Daniel and I met with my OB to select a date for his arrival. Its a very strange thing to pick your child's birthday. However, after the chaos and uncertainty surrounding Finley's pregnancy and birth I was glad to have some "control" over Jude's entrance into the world.

When we met with Dr. Saunders (my practicing OB at Fort Sanders - how's that for confusing!?) we were given some parameters: the c-section had to be performed on a Tuesday or Friday. Given my due date of 11/17 the original options were the 13th or the 16th of November. I was sitting on the exam table and looking at my calendar, without really thinking I said "Okay, the 13th is fine." My only thoughts were the sooner the better. As soon as Dr. Saunders left the room I was immediately regretting my decision. First of all it was a Tuesday, how was that going to work when all of our family would be coming from out of town? Second of all, I dislike the number 13, irrational but true.
Daniel could tell I was uneasy with the decision right away and kept asking if I was sure that day was THE DAY. It wasn't. But I also knew I didn't want to wait til the 16th to meet him; the longer he was in there the more anxious I would become.
As we walked out of the office we ran into Dr. Saunders charting in the hallway. Uncharacteristically of me and with much prompting from a concerned Daniel I stopped and asked her about changing the date. I asked her if the 9th was even a possibility. It was the Friday before I would turn 39 weeks pregnant. With a smile on her face and a quick flip through my chart Dr. Saunders made the date official and put my heart at ease.

You would think with the date written in ink that would be that, but over the next three weeks of waiting I wasn't sure if I would even make it to our c-section. Jude was hanging out really low in my pelvis, fully engaged, and I was having contractions every single day. When we finally made it to November 9th Jude showed us the first glimpse of his personality; he was just fine with waiting.

We woke up on Friday morning totally sleep deprived. I mean, how can one possibly fall asleep knowing that the next day they'd meet the child they've been praying for? Impossible. My stomach was in knots, my mind was racing, but my heart was ready for the healing and ready for the peace.
We loaded up the car at 9:00, said a prayer, put Eli in Nana and Grandpa's car, and hit the road.
At around 10:00 I began to be prepped for my surgery in room 7. God was definitely at work with who he put in my life on that day. My prep nurse was a talker, gentle and kind; someone I very much needed to keep anxiety at bay. My anesthesiologist was the jokester, a big personality and an entertainer. When she talked me through the procedure, she made it seem like a breeze. My surgical nurse had the personality of an overprotective mama bear; she made me feel safe. And Dr. Saunders. She was exactly the OB I needed; confident, endearing, easy to talk to. She felt like an old friend after only weeks of getting to know each other. God's hand was at work that day, there is no doubt about that.
My scheduled time, noon, came and went. It turned out that another mom had started to push right after Dr. Saunders left my room to prep. So we waited. I was able to give Eli a kiss before surgery (although he was more interested in going back to the waiting room to play with Nana) and spend some more time preparing mentally and praying for a surgery that I was terrified of. Sometime during that wait Daniel and I made predictions for Jude's arrival; my guess was 1:57.

At 1:13 my surgical nurse and anesthesiologist came back to get me. It was time! I was wheeled back into the OR where it was freezing cold! The student nurses in there were even wearing their winter coats. It was the first thing I noticed. I sat on the surgical table and received my spinal block, which was a piece of cake compared to the epidural. It took all of 5 seconds for my toes to get numb, then my calves...I was later told that I am extremely sensitive to anesthesia, probably because I am a red head (not even joking). I was numb in about 5 minutes. Daniel can attest to the fact that I do not like being numb. I was a nervous wreck. After about 10 minutes I finally was able to relax, then Dr. Saunders came in.

I can't even express the feelings that you go through when you are minutes away from meeting a miracle. Really; there are no words. All I knew was that I was ready to see his face and hear him cry. I looked at Daniel the whole time they were performing the surgery, waiting and waiting to hear that he was here. After what seemed like forever and after a huge feeling of pressure I heard Dr. Saunders say, "Oh wow, he's a cutie!" It was exactly 1:57. Then came the tears. Daniel stood up to look at him, he told me that he came out just like Eli! His eyes were wide open and looking around, he didn't make a sound until the nurses started to assess him. Hearing his cry was one of the best moments of the day. The moment I was longing for. It was more than I could have hoped for. When the nurses were finished with Jude, Daniel was able to hold him right away and we stared at our perfect baby boy. Thank you Lord! At 1:57, from room 7, came our 7lb 7 oz beautiful baby boy! He arrived to the song "Home" by Phillip Phillips!

It turned out that right after Jude was born Eli fell asleep, not quite a surprise after spending the morning running his grandparents ragged. It wasn't until after dinner that Eli was able to meet Jude. It was perfect. I was holding Jude in my arms, sitting in the hospital bed, and Eli came in with his "Hi, mom!". Daniel asked him if he was ready to meet his baby brother and he responded with "Okay, yeah!". Daniel sat him on the bed next to me and Eli's first words were "I'll hold it!" He loved his brother from the moment he saw him. With every noise Jude made Eli would smile and say something like, "Ohhhh did you hear it mom? It's baby brudder!! So cute!" By the time we had left the hospital Jude was serenaded a dozen times and given a thousand sweet kisses from his brother.

The song that kept playing through my mind after Jude's birth was "Be Still My Soul":

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

And what a joyful end to a chapter it is. Thank you, faithful Lord, for Jude.

Boo at the Zoo and Trunk or Treat

So far we've had two opportunities for Eli to experience trick-or-treating and let me tell you.... it didn't take very long for him to catch on!

Last weekend we were able to go to "Boo at the Zoo" here in Knoxville. The whole White clan came out and we spent the whole day out at the zoo. After a morning and afternoon full of walking around the grounds and seeing every animal (for the 5th? 6th? time... it never gets old for this little boy!), Eli was exhausted!

We ended up leaving the Zoo to grab dinner and Eli got his second wind, then we returned to the Zoo for some evening fun! We ended up forgetting both our camera and his costume, but that didn't stop us from having a great time!
There were booths set up all throughout the grounds with volunteers handing out candy! Eli would get so excited when he'd see the next booth, yelling out "MORE TREATS!!!" and taking off running! It was such a fun time!

We finished out the evening with a carousel ride - I never get tired of seeing this boy soaking up and loving life.

This weekend we were able to participate in Trunk or Treat at Laurel Church of Christ. This time Eli actually got to wear his costume! What could be more fitting for our boy?? He was the cutest zookeeper I've ever seen!

This time around Eli knew exactly what to do to get his treats! Except often after he was already given candy he'd stand there like a "little begger" (as Daniel put it) holding his pumpkin out for more! It was too funny! Although it was cold and wet we still had a fun time! Here are some pictures of our zookeeper getting his treats:

Happy Halloween from Eli the Zookeeper!

Meet baby Jude

Well... we have a name! Oh, and in case you didn't know I am pregnant once again and due next month.

I have been very hesitant to post much about this pregnancy on my blog.... fear, cold feet, not getting my "hopes" up.... call it what you want. Although I have kept quiet on the subject, this pregnancy has been very special to me and I've held it close to my heart. Even Daniel has had to fight to get me to open up about it, often getting one word responses or deflections.

This pregnancy has been a huge silent challenge for me. Wrestling with the demons of Finley's pregnancy, hitting milestones that I was never able to reach with her, entering into ultrasounds with a pit in my stomach.

When I reached the "safe zone", I still didn't feel safe. I was given no relief.
Most new moms are giddy about finding out the gender of their little one and seeing their babies via ultrasound, but I was terrified of seeing something wrong. I plastered a smile on my face and let my heart race as the wand was placed on my pregnant belly. I even skipped out on a couple... fearful.

At each appointment we have been given great, positive news. He is perfect; but I can't help but think in the back of my mind "He gives and He takes away". I have been praying that our newest miracle will be born into this world screaming his lungs out, making up for the silence of his sister's birth.

Now here we are less than a month away from our son's arrival and I am starting to become hopeful and excited, anxious to hold him and kiss his cheeks. Anxious to hear him cry! Anxious to see big brother Eli in action.

Lord willing, Jude Lawrence will be here on November 9th!
Until then, I am praying for peace and longing for the day that I can set my eyes on him! I love you sweet baby Jude!

  jude: "praise; thanks"

Remembering Our Children

“The sun shall no longer be your light by day,
Nor for brightness shall the moon give light to you;
But the Lord will be to you an everlasting light,
And your God your glory.
Your sun shall no longer go down,
Nor shall your moon withdraw itself;
For the Lord will be your everlasting light,
And the days of your mourning shall be ended."
[Isaiah 60:19-20]

Many people don't know it, but October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. A full month to recognize a loss that so many grieve silently.

Until a few weeks ago I didn't know about this designated month nor did I know about the annual mid-month candle lighting ceremony. Even the month designated for "awareness" seems so silent.

It makes sense though, at least to me. What can you say or do for a parent who loses a child? What kind of response should there be? How do you talk about it or recognize it or grieve out loud? It's uncomfortable and it's tremendously sad. It is incomprehensible for those who experience it, just as it is incomprehensible for those who are witness to it. 

No one is supposed to lose their child. Yet we live in a fallen world. Tragedies happen... just not to me, right? Wrong.

The days, weeks and months after Finley's birth were such a confusing time.  
I don't remember the full two weeks or so after we came home from the hospital. I remember being wheeled out down the back hallways of the hospital so that we didn't encounter unwanted stares or sad eyes, I remember pulling away from the hospital clinging to my stuffed animal, I remember getting home and collapsing onto the bed with Daniel and learning what it truly meant to "weep". Then... nothing. It sounds like an exaggerated literary scenario, but it's not.

The meals came, the cards came, flowers came, the emails, the letters for Finley. 
Friends, family, even strangers tried to comfort me and ease the endless waves of grief. The kindness, sympathy, and love was overwhelming and appreciated and NEEDED. Unfortunately, it didn't touch my mourning.

It took a while for me to finally quiet my spirit and lift my eyes to the only one who could provide relief. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." [Romans 8:18]

You see, even as a mother who lost her child, I don't know the answers. I don't know what you can say or do for a parent who loses a child. I don't know what kind of response there should be. I don't know how we should begin to talk about it, or recognize it, or grieve out loud.

What I do know is that our children were here. They were with us. Their lives were of value. They need to be remembered. 
I ache for her to be remembered. She was my daughter; she is my daughter.

Please take this day to remember them. Remember our children. 

Fall Festivities at Oakes Farm

What a fun day! We spent Saturday out at Oakes Farm - about a 30 minute drive from our home and located in the beautiful Knoxville countryside! We were so excited to take Eli pumpkin picking at this fun age, but there was so much more to do too than just finding our perfect pumpkins!

We told Eli in the car that there would be goats there, so of course the whole car ride he was asking about the goats! The boy loves his animals!

We arrived right when the farm opened so we were able to enjoy a lot of the activities before the crowds arrived! We brought a picnic lunch and took our time enjoying the beautiful fall weather out "on the farm". Needless to say, Eli had a blast!

Here are some pictures from our day:

 The bumpy slides! This was Eli's first time going down by himself, pretty funny!

 Daddy is a pretty good sport about doing all of the fun activities with Eli! I think he may enjoy it just as much as our toddler, which is so fun to watch from the sidelines! This was a fun little tractor course and Eli's legs were too short to ride on his own!

This was a little hay maze and play area. It took some coaxing to get Eli to finally go through the tunnel, but of course he loved it after he finally worked up the nerve to go through!

Then he kept saying "C'mon, Daddy! C'mon!!", so of course Daddy obliged! I still don't know how he fit through there! Eli was so thrilled though!

Then we finally made it over to the goats! To our surprise, they had a whole little mini-petting zoo! Perfect for our animal lover! We saw goats, miniature horses, chickens, bunnies, and sheep.

The bouncy house and the bouncing pillow were hands down Eli's favorite things!! He kept saying "More jumps, mom!!"! He did not want to leave or stop jumping. He could have stayed in the bouncy house all day if we let him!

These were two other fun activities - a rope pull to climb the "mountain" and people-sized hamster wheels!

Finally headed to go pick some pumpkins! Eli loved sitting right behind the tractor, he thought it was so cool!

Although I normally opt for the REAL pumpkin patches (you know, vines and all), this "fake" one was still huge and really great to explore!

After an exhausting (in a GREAT way!) day we tried to get a "nice" picture of Eli next to the pumpkin set up that they had going on, which resulted in this:

Didn't you know that Pumpkins are just big orange balls waiting to be thrown!! Luckily this one was in the mix...

Happy Fall from Eli!

The Magic of Time (more specifically: Two Years)

Two years. How have two YEARS gone by so fast?

Something magical must happen to time when the prospect of a new baby looms...
It all starts with the pregnancy test. That's when the "magic" begins.
You pee on THE stick and waiting for a second line to appear takes 3 hours instead of 3 minutes as you pace in the bathroom wondering, hoping, panicking.
9 months feel like 9 years as you take place in a nauseous, gassy, heartburny, uncomfortable, but totally worth it miracle. 9 years waiting for the "glow".
Labor lasts for 389 hours, whether you're a first time mom or a fifth time mom. THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY NINE HOURS.
The first sleepless night is actually 6 nights all wrapped up into one.
The first time he gets sick, it lasts for 26 days and the wait at the pediatrician's office takes 5 days and the line at CVS takes 12 hours.
The first time he rolls over... it literally takes him 2 hours as he slowwwwly pushes himself over onto his back only to start crying because it turns out he actually likes laying on his stomach better. Unfortunately it takes 2 hours and 5 minutes to find the video camera and you miss it. The first roll.


Somewhere in there the "magic" takes an unexpected twist.
Somewhere in there TWO YEARS has magically been squished and packaged up into a tiny, little box labeled "memories".
It's really not fair at all.


In lieu of this awful bit of "magic" that moms must endure, I have some specific memories that I want to delicately place in that little box. Things I don't want to forget, whether 10 days or 10 years pass by. When I get old, and who really knows how long that will take and when it will be, I want to reach into that box and remember some little things about life right now. About Eli being.... deep breath... Two.

Eli, my love, this is you on your first full day of being two:

That's right... you've got your first fat lip. The day after your birthday party you were playing around on the bed after church. I was pretending to be a lion, you were squealing, you turned around to get away from me and SMACK right into the headboard. There was a lot of blood. A lot. Like two gallons. What I want to remember is how you only wanted your mommy. You wanted to cry into my shoulder and you didn't want anyone else to touch you. I rocked you right to sleep and I was the one you called for when you woke up.

Rewind to your birthday party (which although I planned to last 3 hours, it only lasted 3 minutes), we had a "Two at the Zoo" party because you love animals THAT much.

You were in heaven. Not a day goes by that we don't talk about animals or pretend to be animals (usually gators or lions) or watch some animals on TV or play with your animal figures or practice our animal sounds (low/loud "daddy" animal noises and high-pitched/quiet "baby" animal noises). You are all about animals.

What else do you love? Let's see.... rocks, bugs, sticks, dirt, swimming, and water. You don't love posing for pictures though... and we are still working on your "cheese" face (see below):

I don't mind too much though because the candid, real smiles are my favorites and luckily we get lots of those every day (see below):

You also love to color. Lately it has become a daily activity. It's so funny to watch your two year old self with pencil in hand because you concentrate so hard and try to be so precise, which results in your tongue slowing poking it's way out between your lips.

Your drawings are tiny precisely drawn scribbles and you tell me what each one is whether it be a "scary" snake, a "yucky" bug, a "daddy" boat, or some other item that you describe in detail.

Lately you've been all about coloring "Kaysi". Oh and it never fails that you want me to color with you, always offering me a pencil and usually proclaiming that it is "green" even when I correct you and say it's yellow.... "Nope... it's GREEN!" I love that I can drop my chores and sit by your side to draw those spiders and stars and cows.

Some of my favorite moments with you at this age are the ones right before you fall asleep. You have so many precious quirks in that time between growing exhaustion and your dreamland.

I love the way you rub your hair when you begin to get tired. The way that you insist you don't want to take a nap as you relax into my arms. The way you try to bargain for extra kisses just to stay awake longer, reaching for the sides of my face and pulling me to you. The way you reach for the mole on my cheek when your eyes begin to glaze over. The way you sleepily mutter, "I love you, mom" without me even prompting you. Even the drool I find on my shoulder after I tuck you into your bed. I wish those moments could last years and years.

I could go on and on about the things I want to remember.
How you love to dance and make up your own songs ("Mom, I'm singing!")
How you pretend to have "boo-boos" just so I will kiss them and you can say, "It's all better mom!"
How you very adamantly yell "NO SNIR!" to me when you want me to stop doing something
How you've made up your own word that embarrasses me because you use it so often (hoppeeze, which started out as "help please!")
How every time you hear a motorcycle you ask if it's Grandpas (more accurately, "Papaw")
How lately the first thing I hear over the baby monitor in the morning is "Mommy! Wanna watch Diego??"

There are too many memories I want to keep close to my heart. And after just two years.
I just can't imagine how I am going to fit SO many more into that tiny little box over the years... or should I say weeks? Days? Hours? Minutes?

I love you my sweet, little boy and I can't wait (though I probably won't have to wait long) for the memories to come.