18 months

Dear Eli,

You are exactly one and a half years old today. I can hardly believe it!

Whenever I day dreamed about my children I never saw the cuddly newborn (although, boy were you cute!) and I never saw the infant blowing spit bubbles.... I saw a child who was putting on my shoes and trying to walk around the house. These days I seem to be living in my dreams!

It's amazing to see how you've grown into this little person all the while maintaining your sweet spirit. I don't think I have ever met another toddler with such a loving nature.

I could write to you about all of your milestones:
How you are talking more and more each day...
How all of your teeth have finally grown in...
How you are now climbing into and out of your own car seat...
How your last "baba" was on Monday, but you are still sleeping like a champ...
How you are showing so many signs of being ready to potty train (AH!)...

Instead, I want to write to you about how proud I am to be your mom.

Many people, especially over the past several months, have praised us for what WE have done. How WE have taught you, how WE have "trained" you, how WE have guided you. While I would love to take credit for molding you into the little person you are, you MUST know that God created this light in you. I pray it is something that stays with you throughout your whole life.

There is something about you that brings a smile to people's faces; The way that you can make friends with whoever is in the room, the way that you smile at those who seem to need it most, the gentleness that you approach others with. Some might scoff at how I describe your spirit, but those who know you can see it too. You have a light and I pray that it always shines bright. God made you with this gift, never forget it!

Eli, I have received no greater blessing than the blessing of watching you grow and learn. Each day that we have together is so precious to me because it is another day I get to love you and teach you to love others as we figure out our way in this world. I pray that you will always show others the love of Jesus, even when this world gets dark.

I want you to know that I will always pray for you, I will always love you, and I will always want your snuggles.
I want you to remember that you are special. You have purpose. And you are important in this world.

18 months. Such a short time in this world, but you have brought so much joy to it!
I love you Eli Grey!

Love,
Your Mama

Raising a Bookworm

"Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers." ~Charles W. Eliot

At age 4 I learned to read. Not too much later, I fell in love with books.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have the worst memory... but I still remember the first time I really fell in love with books. It might have been first grade? My teacher took me aside and filled my backpack with books to take home. I couldn't get enough. It was then that I was introduced to Amelia Bedilia. She became a companion in my early childhood where all I knew or understood was moving from one home to the next. I could always find her and she would always make me laugh.

Throughout the years those companions have changed: Alice, Elizabeth, Anne, and the girls from Dear America. Waldo, who was a bit more difficult to find. Then Macy, Harry and Hermione, Julie, and Loni. Now Katniss and Peeta, Sarah, and Tally.

My love for reading is something I hope to pass on to Eli.
I want him to be one of the few who raises his hand when the teacher asks, "Who likes to read?"; like I did.
I want him to quickly hide his book and flashlight under the covers when I come to check on him at night, like I did.
I want him to buy a book at a bookstore and take in that new book smell with a smile, like I do.
I want his favorite books to be worn in and dogeared, his favorite passages underlined, and covers falling off, like mine are.
And yes I even want him to resort to his kindle when he just can't wait to get his hands on a new book, like I do!

He is only 17 months, but it makes me smile whenever he brings me a book, sits in my lap, and looks down waiting for me to open up to the first page.
One day he will sit down with some of my "old friends" and I hope they make him as happy as they have made me.

Big Machine Day at McWane

This weekend Eli's cousins came to town! I don't think the way his face lights up when he sees them will EVER get old!

As soon as they arrived at our apartment Eli was ready to wrestle! The weekend consisted of wrestling, lots of hugs, wrestling, going to McWane, wrestling, eating lots of yummy food, wrestling, and.... oh, did I mention wrestling?? Eli is definitely starting to hold his own; it was funny to see him take Owen down! The boys were such good sports about Eli constantly climbing on top of them!

On Saturday we spent the day at the McWane! They had rigs, forklifts, firetrucks, and other "big machines" set up outside. The boys were able to get up close to them and even sit inside them - they thought it was great!

The rest of the museum was fun and exhausting as always! We only lost Owen ONCE, so it was a successful trip! The boys had fun exploring all of the exhibits!

It was both a fun and tiring whirlwind weekend for everyone! We wish we lived closer to family, but these visits will be special memories throughout the years!

Our Growing Family

We have two children. Two. That fact will never be stated or acknowledged without enormous weight and meaning. It's been just over 3 months since we lost our baby girl... and just typing that sentence makes me grasp for breath, my stomach drops. Unfortunately and yet thankfully, life and time march on.

We recently received a letter in the mail from the President. It was addressed to Finley. I was pleased thinking it was a letter of condolences, something I could put in her scrapbook. Something besides her birth certificate and pictures that would acknowledge her LIFE. Instead it was a blunt reminder of something we will never have: our daughter. It was "Congratulations" and "Welcome to the World"; phrases that should have been.

After days of sitting on it and being angry and wanting justice or acknowledgement of our pain, strangely enough, I read this letter for the millionth time and saw a different message.

"Dear Finley, Welcome to the world! Your arrival is a cause for great celebration for your proud family"
Precious Finley, your arrival WAS a cause for great celebration for our family. We are PROUD to call you our daughter. We hang your picture PROUDLY in our home.

"Your birth speaks to the aspirations we hold as we look to a brighter future."
We aspire to be better parents because of you.
We aspire to hold each of our children in our arms and cherish their life more deeply because of you.
We aspire to be gentle and loving with our words and with our actions because of you.
We aspire to grow in our faith and purposefully live a life worthy of heaven because of you and our hopes to hold you in our arms again one day.
We aspire to LOVE better. Because of you.

"We hope your life is blessed with rich experiences, boundless opportunity, and love"
Your life here on earth was not blessed with rich experiences or boundless opportunity and it was not blessed with the dreams that I had for you either; laughing and dancing and spinning and falling over in fits of giggles with your brother, reading and snuggling with your daddy before bedtime, letting me brush your hair and hold you so tight, finding love and your place in this big, scary, amazing world we live in.

But your life here on earth WAS blessed with love. Love so deep that I remember the last time I felt you move. Love so deep that tears start falling before your name even reaches my lips. Love so deep that my heart swells when your brother grabs your stuffed elephant and kisses it; he still remembers the word sister. Love so deep that when we look at the stars together, I ache to know if I am making you proud. Your life was filled with love. There is no denying it.

At work yesterday I was rocking one of the new baby girls. One of the grandmothers who I hadn't seen since before Christmas break came to pick up her granddaughter. She looked at me, smiled, and said, "OH! You had your baby!" I didn't know what to say. I stumbled over my words and finally got out, "No, she's not ours... Our daughter passed away." My heart broke, just one more time. This was the first time I said it out loud.

We have two children. Two. One is on earth, one is in heaven. We love them both. They both make us proud. They both make us aspire to be better.
Hopefully soon that number will be three. And then maybe someday four....five....

We know that God is faithful. He has plans for us to prosper...plans to give us hope and a future. A bright future awaits us.

The Circus

On Saturday we brought Eli to the Circus! It was a first for us all and it was so much fun!

At first Eli was scared; the clapping, the dark HUGE arena, the loud screams and cheers. He did not want to leave my lap! But by the time the first musical number began, he was entranced!

He loved the elephants and the horses! He would point and giggle at them as they circled the ring!

Here are a few more pictures of our day at the Circus:

We can't wait to go again one day!

A Roadtrip To See Some Very Important People

Last weekend we drove out to Searcy to meet up with Kayla and Lindsay, my two best friends from college! It was a 6 hour trip and Eli did GREAT! Not a single tear on the ride there or on the way back! The drive consisted of a LOT of Aladdin, Skinamarink, and totally healthy (NOT!) snackage.

I was really unsure of how Eli would do, but I knew that it had to be done one way or the other! Lindsay was back from Africa for a short few weeks and this was the only chance that Kayla and I had to see her! The last time we saw her was April 2011 on another visit home! She is still in the Peace Corps now and is almost done with her 2 year contract; this summer she returns home!

We had such a great time together and it was so fun to see Lindsay and Kayla play with Eli! They are wonderful aunts :) Of course we were too busy talking and catching up to take many pictures.... but we got a few!

Lindsay and Kayla are the once in a lifetime kind of friends. The kind that you cling to no matter what because you know that your bond with them is special, meaningful, and different. Not everyone experiences this kind of friendship. I am so blessed to have them in my life; they have been by my side through so many milestones in my life, they know me sometimes better than I know myself! I pray that Eli finds relationships like I have with them one day!

A much overdue update on Eli

Eli Grey!
My how you've grown!! I can't believe you are 15 months old! Where has the time gone? My once cuddly, snuggly, itty bitty baby has become a toddler. And yes, you still like to snuggle with me, but now it's only when you're sleepy, sick, or tired from running around non-stop!

At our last appointment with the doctor, right before Christmas, you were 23lbs 8oz and 32 inches tall! I don't know how you've gained all this weight, you hardly eat anything!! Your favorite foods are fruits: Bananas, mandarin oranges, pineapples, and especially grapes! You also like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, ravioli, chicken alfredo, mashed potatoes, and of course "fry fries"! I can't get you to eat many vegetables unless I hide them in your food, but even then sometimes you spit them out! You do like sweet potatoes though, especially with brown sugar and butter! Some days you hardly eat anything besides some yogurt, crackers, and a few bites of dinner! Other days you are like a bottomless pit!
You still drink your milk from a bottle too. For some reason you WILL NOT drink milk from a sippy cup! I have no idea why? You drink everything else from a sippy cup but when I put milk in there you take a sip, look at me funny, and giggle! One of these days I am just going to have to take it away!

These past few months you've had lots of ear infections, but you are a trooper! I don't know how you stay so smiley and playful when you are sick but I guess I shouldn't complain! Since you've been so sick I've let you sleep in bed with mommy and daddy a little bit... boy are you a bed hog! You spread out and sometimes hit us in the face with your feet or arms! You practically push me off the bed! My favorite moments are in the morning when we wake up and snuggle in bed together... that is, until you try to jump off the bed!

So far you've had two haircuts and I've cut it both times! I've had to distract you with the tv! Your hair is beginning to grow in really blonde underneath, but I hope you still keep some of the "strawberry blonde" color like me! The texture is just like your daddy's hair, really thick and wavy! ...Everyone still always says how much you look like your dad. And that's okay because he is a pretty handsome guy!

Your personality is really shining through lately! You get so many comments on what a sweet and happy little boy you are! It's true!
Even though you are still so little, you have such a big heart. When other kids cry at school you bend down and hug them! While we were at Gram and Paps last weekend, every time baby Daycey cried you would get very concerned and make sure that we all knew something was wrong with her.

You also love to give hugs and kisses! A lot of times throughout the day you come up to me and hug me so tight. You wrap your arms around my neck now and squeeze really hard, but that's only for mommy!! When you hug other people you pat them on the back. Your kisses are always really slobbery and you open your mouth as wide as you can to give them.

You are also such a friendly and social boy! Where ever we go, you always seem to find a friend. More than once you have walked into a strangers arms babbling away. You still love older kids and try to play with them all the time. You especially love your older cousins! Last weekend you three wrestled every day together!

You have always been very social and expressive, which is why I think you are talking so much lately. Over these past few months you have learned so many new words and you are constantly chattering away! You repeat almost everything I say or at least you try to! You also still babble a TON and it seems as if you have your own little language sometimes because you definitely speak as if we should understand you! You use a lot of words regularly and are starting to use a lot of phrases as well. Here are some of your more common words:
Mama, Dada, Boo, Puppy, Kitty Cat (if you don't know the name of an animal, you call it a kitty cat!), Lion, Fish, Lights, Trees, Water, Juice, Bottle, Eat, Please, Thank you, All Done, Down, Milk, Uh Oh (and then you drops what you have... ), Eyes, Ears, Belly button (pronounced "beddabudda"), Mole (I have one on my cheek that you love to try to touch and feel), I love you, Kisses, Hugs, Ready to go, Hi & hey, Bye & see ya later, Dunk it (learned from your uncle Sean), Hi buddy, Yes & No, What's this/what's that, Grandpa & nana, Night night, and your favorite word is "WOAH!!!" (which you said a lot this Christmas).

You REALLY love music. I think most babies do, but you love everything about it!
You got two instrument sets for Christmas, your favorite pieces are the drum and drum sticks. You also love pianos and keyboards. When ever you start playing music you always look at me to make sure I can hear you. Believe me, I can!
You also love to sing! You always sing along in church, making everyone around you smile! When the whole congregation starts up on a new song your eyes light up and you join in! It makes mommy really happy to see that you love to sing!
Now dancing, that's your TRUE favorite thing to do right now! Anytime ANY type of music or beat comes on you start dancing! It's great! You have all kinds of moves and just a couple months ago you learned how to spin in circles. You really love when other people get up and dance with you!

This past weekend, I discovered that you like to color! So today we have been coloring a lot and learning the names of colors. I don't know if yellow is your favorite or if you just like to say the word, but you always request "yeyo". I am impressed that you hold the markers the proper way and not just in your fist like most little kids do! You thought it was really funny that you had marker all of your hands when we finished! I kept showing you your hands and you would giggle!

Eli, you are such a joy in my life! No matter what is going on, I can always look at you and find my center! Being your mom is one of the greatest blessings God has given me and I hope to never take it for granted! I love you with all of my heart baby boy!

"Well, I don't want the whole world
The sun, the moon, and all their light
I just want to be the only girl
You love all your life"