A much overdue update on Eli

Eli Grey!
My how you've grown!! I can't believe you are 15 months old! Where has the time gone? My once cuddly, snuggly, itty bitty baby has become a toddler. And yes, you still like to snuggle with me, but now it's only when you're sleepy, sick, or tired from running around non-stop!

At our last appointment with the doctor, right before Christmas, you were 23lbs 8oz and 32 inches tall! I don't know how you've gained all this weight, you hardly eat anything!! Your favorite foods are fruits: Bananas, mandarin oranges, pineapples, and especially grapes! You also like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, ravioli, chicken alfredo, mashed potatoes, and of course "fry fries"! I can't get you to eat many vegetables unless I hide them in your food, but even then sometimes you spit them out! You do like sweet potatoes though, especially with brown sugar and butter! Some days you hardly eat anything besides some yogurt, crackers, and a few bites of dinner! Other days you are like a bottomless pit!
You still drink your milk from a bottle too. For some reason you WILL NOT drink milk from a sippy cup! I have no idea why? You drink everything else from a sippy cup but when I put milk in there you take a sip, look at me funny, and giggle! One of these days I am just going to have to take it away!

These past few months you've had lots of ear infections, but you are a trooper! I don't know how you stay so smiley and playful when you are sick but I guess I shouldn't complain! Since you've been so sick I've let you sleep in bed with mommy and daddy a little bit... boy are you a bed hog! You spread out and sometimes hit us in the face with your feet or arms! You practically push me off the bed! My favorite moments are in the morning when we wake up and snuggle in bed together... that is, until you try to jump off the bed!

So far you've had two haircuts and I've cut it both times! I've had to distract you with the tv! Your hair is beginning to grow in really blonde underneath, but I hope you still keep some of the "strawberry blonde" color like me! The texture is just like your daddy's hair, really thick and wavy! ...Everyone still always says how much you look like your dad. And that's okay because he is a pretty handsome guy!

Your personality is really shining through lately! You get so many comments on what a sweet and happy little boy you are! It's true!
Even though you are still so little, you have such a big heart. When other kids cry at school you bend down and hug them! While we were at Gram and Paps last weekend, every time baby Daycey cried you would get very concerned and make sure that we all knew something was wrong with her.

You also love to give hugs and kisses! A lot of times throughout the day you come up to me and hug me so tight. You wrap your arms around my neck now and squeeze really hard, but that's only for mommy!! When you hug other people you pat them on the back. Your kisses are always really slobbery and you open your mouth as wide as you can to give them.

You are also such a friendly and social boy! Where ever we go, you always seem to find a friend. More than once you have walked into a strangers arms babbling away. You still love older kids and try to play with them all the time. You especially love your older cousins! Last weekend you three wrestled every day together!

You have always been very social and expressive, which is why I think you are talking so much lately. Over these past few months you have learned so many new words and you are constantly chattering away! You repeat almost everything I say or at least you try to! You also still babble a TON and it seems as if you have your own little language sometimes because you definitely speak as if we should understand you! You use a lot of words regularly and are starting to use a lot of phrases as well. Here are some of your more common words:
Mama, Dada, Boo, Puppy, Kitty Cat (if you don't know the name of an animal, you call it a kitty cat!), Lion, Fish, Lights, Trees, Water, Juice, Bottle, Eat, Please, Thank you, All Done, Down, Milk, Uh Oh (and then you drops what you have... ), Eyes, Ears, Belly button (pronounced "beddabudda"), Mole (I have one on my cheek that you love to try to touch and feel), I love you, Kisses, Hugs, Ready to go, Hi & hey, Bye & see ya later, Dunk it (learned from your uncle Sean), Hi buddy, Yes & No, What's this/what's that, Grandpa & nana, Night night, and your favorite word is "WOAH!!!" (which you said a lot this Christmas).

You REALLY love music. I think most babies do, but you love everything about it!
You got two instrument sets for Christmas, your favorite pieces are the drum and drum sticks. You also love pianos and keyboards. When ever you start playing music you always look at me to make sure I can hear you. Believe me, I can!
You also love to sing! You always sing along in church, making everyone around you smile! When the whole congregation starts up on a new song your eyes light up and you join in! It makes mommy really happy to see that you love to sing!
Now dancing, that's your TRUE favorite thing to do right now! Anytime ANY type of music or beat comes on you start dancing! It's great! You have all kinds of moves and just a couple months ago you learned how to spin in circles. You really love when other people get up and dance with you!

This past weekend, I discovered that you like to color! So today we have been coloring a lot and learning the names of colors. I don't know if yellow is your favorite or if you just like to say the word, but you always request "yeyo". I am impressed that you hold the markers the proper way and not just in your fist like most little kids do! You thought it was really funny that you had marker all of your hands when we finished! I kept showing you your hands and you would giggle!

Eli, you are such a joy in my life! No matter what is going on, I can always look at you and find my center! Being your mom is one of the greatest blessings God has given me and I hope to never take it for granted! I love you with all of my heart baby boy!

"Well, I don't want the whole world
The sun, the moon, and all their light
I just want to be the only girl
You love all your life"

Due Date

I'm up at 3:53 AM. I've been up for a while now, just laying in bed. And now I type this; the glow of my phone hurting my eyes in this dark room. Eli is sleeping with me tonight and I am glad to have his warm, comforting little body snuggled up to mine.

I see her in him. So much. Especially when he sleeps and all of his features are relaxed. His pretty, full lips and his chubby cheeks. I love him so much that it's impossible to express with words, but I also have an impossibly great emptiness. Especially tonight. How can your heart be so full, yet so empty at the same time?

Today is Finley's due date. It's hard to describe exactly what I'm thinking. It's almost as if today marks a ledge I am about to walk off of. I'm about to move forward... without her.

I was supposed to have a perfect, chubby, pink, beautiful baby girl this month. I am supposed to be blissfully tired after having been up all night with her. Instead, I have pictures of her and a baby boy who's features resemble her. And I have tired eyes after long nights of fitful sleep. Her due date is about to come and go, but I still won't have her.

Why? Why did it have to be this way?
Why couldn't she have just cried? I just wanted to hear her cry and keep believing I'd take her home.
Today is just another day that throws it all in my face and makes it blaringly obvious that she isn't here. I couldn't keep her. And today, it's not okay. Today it's a tragedy.

Today I Am Thankful...

This may seem like a belated Thanksgiving Day post to some, but I assure you it's not! Everyone who knows me, knows that I am always timely (ha!). This post comes straight from my overflowing heart...

Not a day goes by that I am NOT thankful for my sweet babies. Both Eli and Finley have taught me more about unconditional love, true joy, and God's sacrifice for us; more than I would have ever learned on a solitary walk though this life. But this post is not about my children (even though THAT is the purpose of this blog)...

Today I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful for a man who loves the Lord unashamedly and loves his family above all else. Daniel is a man among men in this downtrodden world. I married him because I fell in love with his soul. He is one of the most compassionate, loving, and selfless men I have ever met. Sure he isn't perfect; he leaves his clothes and empty cups all over the house and watches a little too much football... but he is mine and I will cherish him for the rest of our lives. His love for our children has made me appreciate and respect him more than ever. I thank God for him every day, especially in this time of grieving. I could not ask for a better man to be by my side.

Today I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for a faithful father here on earth; a father who prays and walks with God daily. He is someone I admire above all others for his strength, his wisdom, and his unconditional love for his family. I am thankful for a mother who is kind and loving; a mother who has empathy and who is crippled by her daughter's pain. She is the mother I aspire to be. I am thankful for a brother and a sister with understanding; not a word need be spoken, but through the silence I see their love. I am thankful for in-laws who care and who are prayerful for the family they clearly love with all of their hearts.

Today I am thankful for friends. I am thankful for friends who drive 3 hours at a moments notice to cry with me and pray for me. I am thankful for friends who randomly text me their hilarious stories or even their petty complaints because they want to make sure that I am still treated like a human being and not like a ghost of who I was "before". I am thankful for friends who recognize that I want to talk about my daughter and who bring her up in conversation because they love her too. I am thankful for friends who don't know the right words to say, but can give me a look or send just a few words so that I know they are mourning with me. I am thankful for friends I have never met in person, but who constantly and genuinely express their love for me and my family. I am thankful that in a world that can be so cruel and confusing, I have met beautiful people to walk among when all is said and done.

Today I am thankful for healing. Although my heart will never be completely healed (and what heart CAN be in this world?), I am thankful for pieces of comfort.

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I took the plunge this evening; I gathered all of the cards and letters that we have received in the mail throughout this past month, I sat on the couch, and I opened them one by one.
I don't know why I "hoarded" them for so long in multiple, big, UPS flat rate envelopes. I think part of it was the unfamiliarity with being the one in grief. Maybe if I didn't open them, then I wasn't the one who needed the sympathies of others... yeah right. Nice try, Kelli. I wish I would have opened them as they had come to me. It was simply overwhelming to see love come to life in the form of words. Lots of words:

Comforting words. Words of peace, words of hope, words of empathy, words of confusion and sadness, words of love. Words on store bought cards, words on homemade cards, words on scrapbook paper, words on notebook paper. Words in the form of poems and song lyrics. Drawings and sketches...
Words filled with LOVE.

I don't know a better way to reach all of the people who sent US cards and who sent Finley letters other than to put it HERE where our story was told.
To my family, to my friends, to those whom I have never met, to those I don't even know personally: I thank you from the deepest parts of my heart and soul. You have given me comfort. You have given me healing. Please know that your words were read and your words are cherished. I thank you.

Photos of Finley

After Finley was born we had a photographer (through an organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep") take pictures of her and today they came in the mail!
NILMDTS is an amazing organization that provides free photography services to parents who experience a stillbirth or the death of a child soon after birth. I had several people recommend their service to me and I am so glad that I contacted our local NILMDTS photographer. In a way, these pictures are "proof" that she was here and that she was a person and that she was born into this world.
I am such a proud mommy and I think she is absolutely perfect.

Dear Finley,

Sweet baby girl, I miss you more than words can describe.

Today is the first time that I have been alone since you were born. Your big brother is sleeping in his crib and I've been thinking about you a lot. It makes mommy sad because I wish you were here to snuggle with, but please don't worry about me when I cry! I am surrounded by so many people who love me and who love you too. Mommy will be okay.

I keep touching my belly wishing I could take it all back and that you could be with me still. Or I find myself laying silently dreaming that you were in the other room napping with Eli; while I wait for your soft moans and waking up sounds.
Actually I'd probably just let you sleep on my chest, so I could listen to you breathe and smell your sweet baby smells. You'd probably snuggle up really close under my chin like your brother did, making me really uncomfortable... but I wouldn't mind. You'd probably giggle in your sleep like he did too. I wonder what you'd dream about...

It's selfish I know, to want you here with me. I know that heaven is so much more than what this world could give you. It makes my heart smile to know that you are in such a beautiful place and being taken care of. It makes me happy to know that you will never cry or get hurt.
I hope you're smiling, even when mommy isn't. I hope you're laughing, big belly laughs that make you fall over and lose your breath. But I so wish that I could kiss your cheeks and stroke your head. You should be with me and my arms ache to hold you; they always will.

I'll never forget when they put you on my chest. I was so proud. I was proud of what we had been through together and I was proud to be your mommy, I still am and I always will be. I will always love you. I will always miss you.

I know you're waiting for me in heaven. For now I need to take care of you brother and daddy, but I will come and get you soon! Don't worry about me baby girl, run off and play! Dance to the angel's music and run into God's arms for extra hugs when you need them.

I love you Finley, always!
Love, Mommy

P.s. Your brother just woke up! I'll give him an extra kiss just from you!

Hospital Ramblings

During my time at the hospital I took some time to write down what I was thinking and feeling. I think most of this was written late at night/early morning and I was on strong medications, but I wanted to post it here so that I wouldn't forget my thoughts.

I can not tell you how much all of the words of love, support, encouragement, confusion, anger, grief, empathy, hope, faith, etc. have helped to get me through some of the most difficult days of my life. My soul has been touched in such a profound way, I will be forever grateful.

Although these past few days have been tragic and heartbreaking, Daniel and I KNOW that Finley was given to us for a reason. She has had a lifetime of purpose and meaning in this world, even though her time with us was short.
I must share one of the most profound reasons that I believe she was given to me. I have come to realize, just this afternoon, that Finley was sent here to save me:

Through Finley's birth and delivery I was able to learn a lot about my anatomy. She was born at just 32 and 1/2 weeks gestation, with 2 more months of growing and developing left to do. She was small and easily manipulated, yet she still had a VERY traumatic delivery.
Towards the end when I was pushing her shoulder became stuck; even after the doctor cut me to make more room for her to come out she remained stuck for quite a while.
When I saw my OB this afternoon we discussed the gravity of this situation and the need for me to consider c-sections for subsequent pregnancies. Had this been a vaginal delivery with a full-term, live, healthy baby the outcome would most likely have been fatal for both of us.
The most chilling part of this realization for me is the fact that ever since I was a little girl and have dreamed about having babies I've had a haunting premonition that I would die in childbirth. I think I have only told Daniel and one or two others. Although it is completely unfounded, this was never just an offhand fear or phobia to me, it has always been something that I have accepted as my reality. When I became pregnant with both Eli and Fin, it was my first thought and it terrified me. Even on the drive to the hospital, with both Eli and Fin, I very consciously took in all of the sights around me because I believed I was experiencing my last moments in this world. I remember after Eli's birth, I didn't even want to see or hold him. I thought I was dying. I kept asking the doctors what my vital signs were, just waiting for them to gradually decline.
Finley's birth was a gift. It allowed me to have a vaginal delivery and to experience pushing my child into the world, something that Daniel and I so desperately wanted. However it also came with a warning, that this is not a safe option for future pregnancies. There is no doubt in my mind that Finley was my miracle. I believe she has saved me from a very real and grim fate. She came so that I could be a mother to Eli and a mother to our future children. For her, I will strive to be the best mother to my earthly children that I can be.

There are good moments and there are bad moments, there will be for weeks and months to come. A piece of comfort in my world is that I have so many loved ones lifting me up.
Although I will leave the hospital tomorrow with empty arms, my heart will be so full and overflowing.

I know all of our lives must go on, so the only thing I can ask of anyone now is to please not forget my baby girl.
Finley Fayth ♥ 10/30/11

The Hardest Thing

I won't be able to write much or very eloquently, but I did want to give an update for those following our story.

Finley Fayth White was born on Sunday, October 30th at 3:09 AM at almost 33 weeks gestation. She weighed 4 lbs 12 oz and was 16 inches long. She had Daniel's nose, my lips, and Eli's sweet toes. She had the longest fingers and the daintiest hands. She was perfect in every way.

We found out on Friday morning (at our appointment with the specialist) that Finley's heart was no longer beating. This was very unexpected and everything from that point on was a blur. We were scheduled for an induction on Saturday morning.

It is hard for me to write exactly what happened, so here is my dear friend Jenny's update she posted on facebook while I was in labor:
"Updating on Kelli... It's been a long a emotional day. She got here at 7 am and was started on pitocin at 8am. When she arrived she was dilated to about one. She ended up with very strong contractions that lasted about a minute to a minute and a half and they were about 30 seconds apart. She rocked and rolled on the ball and did such a wonderful job, so amazing and strong through it all. By 5pm she had not progressed at all and decided that an epidural would be her best option. She got her epi at about 5:30-6:00 and then got a well deserved nap. At 9:30 her doctor checked her and she was a 7, Praise God!! We have prayed so hard for this! We are now waiting for her doctor to get here and she will be checked again and then only time will tell. Kelli has done an AMAZING job! As we all know she has such a beautiful soul and spirit. Daniel has been amazing through all of this as well. What a beautiful example of what a husband and father should be. We are so very proud of them. I will update when we have more news."

At 1:30 am I reached 10 cm and we began the process of pushing. I was scared and I didn't want her to be taken from me. I wanted to keep her with me forever.
I don't remember much of the actual birth, but I was told that it was very traumatic physically.
I do remember: Daniel was by my side, holding my hand, stroking my hair, and counting the whole time. My mom was on the other side telling me that I could do it. My dad was next to my mom, I'm sure in constant prayer. My dear friends Jenny and Kerri were at my feet encouraging me the whole time. I am very blessed by the people God has placed in my life.

As soon as she was born Daniel cut her cord and she was placed on my chest. I remember screaming in agony. My little girl was in my arms, but it was only her body. I was holding out for a cry, I still had hope. I remember thinking that there was never anyone so beautiful and didn't want to accept that I wouldn't be able to keep her. It was one of the hardest moments of my life. I didn't want to believe that it was actually happening.

We spent all day Sunday with her. We dressed her in the clothes that we picked out and wrapped her in her blanket, we took turns studying her and memorizing her perfect features. We hardly slept, knowing we didn't have much time with her.

One of the best moments was introducing Eli to his sweet sister. He smiled at her and pointed at her and even said "Baby Sister". He looked at her as if she were "normal" and didn't see a thing wrong with her. We let him touch her hands and toes; he smiled.

On Sunday night we said our goodbyes. We kissed her forehead and let the nurse take her from us. We cried together in the hospital bed knowing that we'd have to wait our lifetimes to see her again. I still can't believe I had to let someone take my daughter away.

On Monday afternoon, Daniel decided it was time to leave. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone that I wanted to be discharged. I didn't want to be. I didn't want to leave her. I didn't want life to go on or move forward without her... but I couldn't stay forever. My husband has been my rock throughout all of this; taking the initiative when I have been too weak. I don't think I have ever loved him more than I do now.

Leaving the hospital was THE hardest part. Driving away and knowing that I'd never get her back. Knowing that I'd never hold her again. Knowing that I'd never kiss her again. Knowing that life was moving on and that she wasn't with me.

Finley will always be my daughter. She will always be a part of my family. She will always be loved. The one thing I ask is that people don't refer to her as just a baby or just a pregnancy or just anything... She has a name. She is a person. She IS my daughter. She is very much a part of me and my life. She always will be. She will never be forgotten.

People ask how I am, the only thing I can respond with is that I am alive. I am breathing. I am living minute to minute. I am getting by. It's so hard. So hard.
The only thing that makes it better are Daniel and Eli. I am so thankful and blessed by their sweet spirits; there are no words to describe what they mean to me.

I know God is watching over my family at this time, but it is so hard for me to see past the pain at this point. I don't know what to pray or what to ask or what to say to Him. I know there is a plan, but I feel lost in it. I know He is at work... but right now, I just want my daughter.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." [Jeremiah 1:5]

Please pray.